Grumpy
by Anderida
Summary: Someone's grumpy. But who? And why? Just dialogue. Two people. Know who?


**Grumpy**

_A/N: Just dialogue. Two people. Know who? _

"Sam said I would find you here."

"Did he?"

"Yes. He asked me to talk with you."

"He can't speak for himself?"

"I believe that he has tried. He says you will not talk to him but that you might talk to me."

"I don't want to talk to either of you. I'm busy."

"Busy with what?"

"Just busy. Now will you go already?"

"You wish me to leave?"

"You're quick, I'll give you that."

"I'm quick? In what way?"

"Just go will you?"

"I've come to talk to you. To ask you what is causing you to be so out-of-sorts. Are you ill?"

"I'm sick of this – if that's what you mean."

"I don't understand."

"Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. Just leave me alone, alright?"

"I promised Sam I would find out why you have been so ill-tempered and miserable of late. 'Grumpy' Sam says."

"Sam would. Why in the name of hell would you promise Sam that?"

"Because Sam is worried about you and I wish for him not to worry and for you not to be … grumpy. When you are grumpy I think that you must be unhappy. I wish to change that."

"Huh! Fat chance … if I was, um, grumpy, that is – which I'm not."

"I am relying on Sam's more detailed knowledge of the modern use of adjective, but you are definitely not your usual self. You have been moody and irritable. We think you are avoiding us. We are concerned about this."

"You needn't be. It's just something I have to work out for myself. ON MY OWN!"

"There is no need to increase the volume of your voice. I simply wish to know what is troubling you so that I can rectify it and report back to Sam so that he no longer has to worry."

"Whoa! No way! Ok, let's get this clear: There will be _no_ reporting back to Sam! Or anyone else for that matter. And you cannot 'rectify' anything. Thanks for stopping by. Don't let the door hit you in the arse on your way out."

"I can rectify many things …"

"This you can't. Trust me."

"I can lay waste whole cities. I am certain that it is within my power to correct whatever it is that is causing your current ill-humour."

"Now, see, that's the problem, right there."

"You are dispirited because I can smite cities?"

"Jesus H Christ! No. Look, just go will you. Tell Sam you couldn't find me."

"But I _have_ found you."

"Grnnnn. Just go. Please. I'm pleadin' here."

"I told Sam that he should not worry. I thought that if I spoke to you I could alleviate our concerns. But I now feel more alarmed than I was before I sought you out. There is something troubling you and it is weighing on you. I wish to help."

"Goddammit, don't you get it? Do I have to spell it out?"

"I don't require anything to be spelt out. Just tell me in whole words. You do not need to construct full sentences if that is problematic for you."

"I can't do this."

"What is it that you cannot do? I can help you."

"That's the damn problem. You can help. And, god help me, there's part of me that wants you to."

"You will need to repeat that and provide some further detail because I may have been overly optimistic when I stated that I did not need full sentences to illicit the nature of your predicament."

"You've been talking to Sam too much. That made as much sense as … well it just didn't."

"Then I think we are evenly matched. Perhaps we should try again."

"Perhaps not."

"But I genuinely wish to be of help. To lift the burden that you are carrying on your shoulders. And, yes, I am using the word 'burden' figuratively."

"Ok, look, I appreciate the offer, really I do. Sorry I've worried everyone. Sorry I've been 'grumpy' or whatever. I'll try not to be. Can we leave it at that?"

"But you have acknowledged that I could help you. Let me do so."

"I can't."

"What is preventing you?"

"Me."

"I wish to request fuller sentences again. I do not understand."

"Just go, will you?"

"I think you are ill and I do not wish to leave you if you are sick."

"Sick. Very apt!"

"Then I can help!"

"Don't you get it? You _can_ help and that's just what bothers me!"

"Why would …"

"It's you, you moron! You're why I'm 'grumpy' or 'sick' whatever the hell I am."

"Me?"

"You! I see you everywhere I go."

"I can be in many places. I am often everywhere. Where was it that you saw me?"

"No! I see you here, in my head!"

"Do you mean that you are hallucinating? So you _are_ sick?"

"Yeah, I'm sick, sick for you, you dumbass! Oh Christ! Look what you made me do now. I shouldn't have said anything. Wasn't going to."

"I have made you sick?"

"Oh yeah! Dammit, I'm not getting out of this without an explanation, am I? I'm sick because I'm drowning in you. Drowning! I can't think straight because all I can do is think of you and those damn sparkly blue eyes o' yours. This isn't right."

"I don't think it is wrong."

"How is it not wrong? I want you. _Want_ you. In a full sentence: I want to kiss you, and lick you, and touch you, and fuck you senseless. Since you asked. See my problem now?"

"No."

"What?"

"No, I do not see your problem. You only want to do to me what I wish that you would do. What I wish to do to you."

"Wha … what are you saying? No, no. Don't say things like that. Don't mess with me. Dammit, don't tease me, I couldn't bear that."

"I'm saying that I would also like to kiss you and … those other things. So I do not perceive that there is a problem here."

"But I'm not like that! I'm straight! Ok, I've been a little bi-curious. A few times. But this? With you? This is so fucked up."

"I reiterate; I cannot see that this is a problem. I like you. You like me. You do like me, don't you?"

"You're gonna make me say this aren't you? Don't give me that smug smile – I know where you get that from. Ok. I'll say it: I like you."

"Just 'like'?"

"Ok, ok. I love you. I can't believe I just said that. Happy now?"

"Yes. Very happy. Possibly ecstatic."

"You can't be serious?"

"Yes. And I also love you. Which is why I am ecstatic, yes that is the right word, ecstatic to know that you feel the same."

"No, this isn't happening. It isn't right."

"I do not understand why you too are not ecstatic. Perhaps you do not feel as I do. Perhaps you do not really wish to do those things to me. With me."

"I want to do all of those things … and more. But …dammit, you're my friend."

"It would have been a problem indeed were I not. Yet you are still unhappy. Do you not want to love me?"

"Friends don't feel like this. I know we've had our differences, major ones too, but I do think of you as a friend. This sort of thing ruins friendships. I don't wanna ruin our friendship."

"You couldn't."

"It's that simple for you?"

"It is that simple."

"No, it really, isn't. I can't believe I'm having this conversation. Look, don't misunderstand, I'm flattered and everything. I think. But this … it's wrong."

"I'm unfamiliar with an ethical system that would deem a friendship as wrong."

"No, no. It's not our friendship that's wrong."

"Then you must believe that it would be wrong if we were to become lovers? Because we are the same gender?"

"What? No! You know me better than that. Gender doesn't come into it. Ok, I admit, it's not how I saw myself but …"

"Then I do not understand your objection."

"It's just that I can't … I can't … If I cross that line, if we get, you know, um, intimate, then I lose you as a friend. I can't do that."

"No, you wouldn't lose me as a friend. I believe you would gain me as a lover. And I would gain you as a lover. That thought makes me happy. I am concerned that this thought seems to make you sad."

"Crap! Look, it makes me sad because I can't have what I want."

"Which is?"

"You."

"You have me."

"You know what I mean! I'm human. I'm a straight guy. I know that technically you're older than me but… I didn't think I'd ever have another chance at… I don't understand why I feel like this."

"Do you have to understand? Can you not have faith?"

"Faith? Is that what they're calling it these days?"

"I don't know who 'they' are, but I have faith in you. Can you not have faith in me?"

"I do. But as a friend. We can't be more than that. I've gotta find a way through this. I just need more time."

"What do you hope that more time will achieve for you?"

"Peace? I need to get back to the way things were. When I didn't want to …. I can't do this now. You need to go."

"You don't want to feel this way? About me?"

"Sorry, but no, I don't."

"I can take this feeling from you. If that is what you truly want. I can make you forget. Forget that you like me – in the way that you find so objectionable. Do you want me to make you forget?"

"You can do that? What am I saying? Of course you can."

"Shall I?"

"No! No, god help me, no. I don't want to feel like this but …"

"But?"

"But I don't want _not_ to. I mean, I do, but I gotta work through this. I just, I dunno… Look, I don't find my, um, attraction to you 'objectionable'. Don't say that. Ever. Ok? That's not right. But I don't understand it. And I don't want my craving or whatever it is … I don't want it to spoil what we have. Our friendship."

"It couldn't do that. I would think that it would strengthen it."

"But you're not exactly that experienced in this kinda thing are you?"

"Is your reticence because I am inexperienced? You could teach me."

"No, didn't mean that … Oh my god, I'm fucked!"

"You could be."

"Will you stop that? It's not helping."

"I could be helping, if you'd let me."

"You don't get it, do you? It isn't just about you and me."

"You are worried about what others will think?"

"I guess. I know I shouldn't be but …"

"I think that they should be pleased for you. That you have found someone to love. Someone who loves you back."

"You make it sound so simple. Look, let's just take a step back. If you just leave me alone, I'll get over this. Things will go back to the way they were and everyone will be happy."

"I won't be."

"What?"

"I won't be happy – if things go back to how they were before, when you didn't want me like you do now."

"Are you seriously gonna lay that on me? You don't think I feel bad enough right now, you have to make me feel worse?"

"I'm simply informing you that I would be unhappy if you found that you could no longer love me."

"Look, dammit, I'll always, um, love you. But it has to be as a friend. Can't you get your feather-brain round that?"

"I know that I like being your friend. But I know that I want to be more, and if you find that you no longer want me in that way I would be very sad. I would probably be grumpy too."

"Grumpy? Seriously? You're gonna guilt me with 'grumpy'?"

"Is it working? I think your smile is coming back."

"Yeah, I'm smiling. Sue me! No, it's just an expression. And, no, I don't want you grumpy. You do grumpy real well and it's not pleasant!"

"Then you should make sure I never have reason to be grumpy."

"Oh, I should, should I?"

"Yes. I'm feeling grumpy now. You should do something."

"I just know I'm gonna regret this. Ok, what should I do to stop you feeling grumpy?"

"Kiss me."

"Yep. Knew I was gonna regret this."

"You won't. Kiss me."

"You sure about this? 'Cause we do this and everything changes. There's no going back."

"I'm sure. Kiss me."

"I must be mad. Come here. …"

"This makes me happy. Very happy."

"Good, 'cause this is making me horny."

"I'm not feeling grumpy anymore. Are you still grumpy?"

"Maybe a little less grumpy. And you were right; I don't regret just doing that. I could stand to do it again. If you're ok with that?"

"I would like that very much. Then perhaps we could move on to the licking. And the touching?"

"You're serious about this, aren't you? You weren't yanking my chain?"

"I am serious about desiring you. I'm not sure I understood your euphemism."

"Euph …? Oh, no never mind. But you really want to do this? To hell with the consequences?"

"I cannot equate the consequences with Hell. I would like the opportunity to show you that the consequences of us being together, as lovers as well as friends, would be heavenly. If you'll let me?"

"Have I ever been able to deny you anything? An hour ago I was convinced that I would never speak of this with anyone, even under torture. Now … well now I've just kissed you. And dammit if I don't wanna do it again … C'mere."

"Your beard – it tickles. I like it. I would like you to do this more. In more places. Places on my body, but also in other locations. That would be pleasurable to both of us, I think."

"So, we're, um, doing this? For real? You and I? I mean we're gonna be … a couple?"

"I would like that very much. Please agree to this."

"Agree? You think I'm gonna say 'no' now? I told you, once I'd crossed that line, there'd be no going back."

"You are making me very, very happy. In unexpected places."

"Ohmygod. Look, one thing: _you_ have to tell them. I don't think I can."

"We will tell them together. I will be at your side. I will be at your side always."

"Oh god, I love you."

"And I love you too."

"I can't believe this is happening. I love you, you beautiful idjit, so fucking much."

"I will be your slave, your sweetheart, your supporter, your salvation. I will be your significant other, and you mine, from now until the end of eternity, Bobby, my love."

_A/N: You guessed? Tell me. _


End file.
